Mistake

Great advice, and something I’ll probably be reading on a regular basis.

The Outpouring of My Heart

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Okay

So you’ve had some rough times

So you’ve broken some bones and made some scars

Haven’t we all?

Some more than others

But ultimately it’s all the same

One may have more mistakes than another

But the other may have made a mistake that in their mind

Is the greatest mistake of all time?

But really it’s not

Mistakes and mishaps are all equal in the Fathers eyes

Because he took the blow of all of our mistakes and he paid the ultimate price

He took the hit so that we could be free

So that we could let go and let God kill misery

But yet we still find ourselves in this prison called depression

We still find ourselves living in sorrow and pain because of things in the past

Nothing haunts a soul more than the past

And ever since that mistake you made your depression has…

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Better than yesterday

I guess that is my new mantra, better than yesterday.  I want to feel better than yesterday.  I want to BE better than yesterday.  Easier said than done of course…   I have a therapy appointment today, and I’m looking forward to it.  Dr. L usually has some good words of encouragement.  I also thrive on having things to look forward to.  If I don’t, I know it’ll be a long day.  So I make up little things.

Yesterday was a tough day, but it ended well.  I met my wife at my daughter’s therapy appointment after work.  She had gone to the salon with her mom earlier in the day, and cut her hair shorter and dyed it blonde.  I really like the look, but it was very different.  She said she’d kept it long because she knows I like that, but wanted to do something for her.  I understand that, and surprisingly it didn’t bother me too much.  I had seen a few pictures on Facebook before I got there, but once I saw it – I was okay.  Strange that some things bother me, and some don’t.  The appointment itself went okay.  My daughter and my wife have trouble communicating, and that surfaced in the session.  My daughter is very short tempered when it comes to dealing with my wife, and I take some responsibility for that.  I know she had seen my reactions to things, and she is tending to do the same things now, even though I don’t.  Over time, my wife has gotten frustrated with it, and doesn’t tolerate her behavior.  That just leads to conflict.  They talked through a recent incident, and it got heated in the session.  The therapist asked my wife to change how she handles things, and afterward she told me that it kind of upset her.  She felt like she was being told how to parent, and we didn’t focus enough on my daughter’s behavior.  One thing we did agree to was taking her to our family doctor to seek out medication.  So we’ll be scheduling that appointment as well.  Overall, I think the appointment was positive.  Even though they both got frustrated, it was good to have the therapist see the exchange.

When we left the appointment, we went back to her apartment so that my daughter could show me the turtles that she just got.  I got food to take back for the three of us, since no one had eaten.  After we ate and looked at the turtles, my wife and I went outside and talked for two hours.  Again, great conversation.  The topic of us dating other people came up, and she said she can’t tell me not to, but she hoped that I wouldn’t.  I reassured her that I am NOT looking to do that, and I said I hoped she wouldn’t do it either.  She said that she’s not looking to do that.  She’s trying to work on herself.  I do believe her, I just hope that if someone happens to come along that she doesn’t change her mind.  She again said that she has enjoyed my company lately, but she said it’ll take a long time to get past some of the other issues we have.  I also understand that and I’m trying to be patient 🙂  I asked again if she regretted asking me to stay, and she said no.  She does understand that she sort of opened pandora’s box, and doesn’t want to ask to stay all of the time.  I told her that obviously I’d like to, but I know that, and I won’t ask to.  When I went to leave, she stood in front of me and actually waited for a hug.  I thanked her for spending time with me, and told her that I was grateful for the few hours together.  I said that I had looked forward to it all day – and she smiled and said that was nice to hear.  When we were hugging, I told her that I missed her so much, and she squeezed me a little tighter.  I told her that was the highlight of my day, and it was.  I smile now just thinking about it.  We must have hugged 5 times before I actually left.  I made the comment that I had to get my fill in since I won’t see her until Saturday when I get the kids.  She even made a joke about keeping the kids at my house today until I get home so that I’d see her.  All good things.  I know she’s not coming “home” tomorrow, but each time I see her and we have that good interaction at the end, I feel a little better.  I’m a worrier, and I worry that one of these times she’ll decide that she doesn’t want to hug me.  But even though she won’t come out and say it, it feels like she doesn’t want me to leave.  And I like that.  I just want her to feel it all of the time.

I mailed her a card today.  It was very basic.  Just said something to the effect of Happy Thoughts bring Happy Days, Thinking Of You.   I wrote a note saying that she’s made me very happy lately, and just seeing her makes me smile.  I wanted to return the favor, and told her that her smile was gorgeous.  I didn’t write anything about love, because I didn’t want to push the envelope.  But I wanted to do something small, just to let her know I was thinking about her.  I plan to do something like that each week.  Whether it is a card, a note, a flower, just something.  In my mind, it is part of proving to her that I am in love with her, and I am doing things I should have always been doing.

Tonight, I am meeting my mom and going to my sister’s for dinner. It will be late when I get home, which will probably be good.  Being there alone lately has sucked.  Tomorrow I work an all day shift at my job, then I get the kids on Saturday for the weekend.  I’ll also get to see my wife during the exchange, and as usual I’ll do my best to drag it out as long as I can 🙂  Again, I just wish I had a time machine to move forward a few months in the process.  I just miss her so much…

Why is today so hard?

I just don’t understand how my mind works.  I did so well for so long, and now boom – depths of despair.  Yes, most of it revolves around my separation.  But that leads to lots of other fears surfacing.  She has been my best friend for 16 years, and I want to talk to her about this.  But I also know that it can backfire on me.  She may say that seeing her is too hard for me, and pull back.  I KNOW that would make it worse.  I’ve talked to her about it twice already, and she has been very supportive.  As bad as it is, I feel like I need to talk to her a little bit every day just to be reassured.  If she’s nice and jovial on the phone, I know things are still on the same path.  If she’s short or doesn’t want to talk, I’ll sink back to feeling like things are over.  That’s not her problem, that’s mine.  I shouldn’t burden her with it.  She is dealing with enough crap from our marriage, I should NOT be adding to it.  The LAST thing I want to do is have her look as me as a burden now, especially if she’s showing signs of enjoying my company again.  Very shortly I am leaving to go to my daughter’s therapy appointment, and she will be there.  I’ve looked forward to it for three days, just to see her for a little bit.  I feel like a little kid, anxious to see their girlfriend after a first date.  As wonderful as that can be, I have to temper it knowing that I’ll be going home to my house without her tonight.  I am back to being nearly paralyzed when I’m home alone.  I don’t want to be there, and I’m making every excuse in the world to not be there.  It sucks.  I’m so angry at myself for letting my marriage get to this point.  I know it takes two, but my contribution was awful.  So far anyone reading this – if you love someone, please let them know.  Maybe when I see her in an hour, if she’s still jovial, this knot in my stomach will go away…

When I first started writing posts here several months ago, it felt good to have an outlet.  I know I haven’t posted much recently, and I think that’s because it almost feels stressful to write.  Typically I write about things that are on my mind, and they usually aren’t good things.  So I avoid writing just because I don’t want to acknowledge them.  For almost a month, I had a lot of good days.  Days where even though I didn’t like the things happening in my life, I was able to function, eat, sleep, and be “okay”.  The last 10-12 days, not so much.  Dr. L wondered if it was a change in cycle, or a result of some of the things I’ve had to deal with (support hearing, son’s graduation, etc).  I really don’t know.  I’ve had so many good things occur that I should be able to be at peace.  My son DID graduate, and he’s going to be successful.  My wife spent all of Sunday with me, and asked me to spend the night just sitting with her on the couch.  It was wonderful.  That alone should have left me with an overwhelming high to ride out on the week.  But yet here I am – depressed and sad.  Admittedly, a lot of it has to deal with her.  It’s been three months, and she’s still all I can think about.  I’d still give anything to have her back.  I’d give anything for 5 more minutes of time with her, just to stare into her eyes.   And I don’t understand why hearing her say the things that she did on Sunday aren’t enough.  I guess because I know she’s still there, and I’ll still sleep on my couch tonight.  She asked me why I do that, and I was honest. I can’t sleep in the bedroom alone.  The only time I go in there is to get clothes and arrange laundry.  I hate it in there right now.  She said that for almost two months I slept in there alone before she moved out – but that was different.  She was in the house, and I had no choice. And to be honest, I spent a fair number of nights sleeping on the chair next to her on the couch anyway.

I really wish I had the words to explain to her how differently I feel now.  She’s commented that everything about me seems different.  The words that I use, the way I act, and she says my smile is even different.  The best way I can explain it is that a veil is lifted.  I can see things in a much clearer way now.  The other day she was wearing her glasses and I commented on the fact that they were new.  Except they weren’t.  They were the same ones she has had for a year.  I just really looked this time.  She says that she is really enjoying spending the little bits of time with this version of me, she’s just paranoid it’ll fade and she’ll get hurt again.  Just to hear her say that crushes me.  Because I know it is my fault.  I did a horrible job of telling her how beautiful I think she is.  I did a terrible job of reassuring her and making sure she knew what I appreciated about her.  Instead I spent years focusing on all of the bad things in my life, and dwelling on and in them.  That made me a miserable person.  It is hard for her and most people to understand how I didn’t see that.  The only explanation is that it was a habit.  One that I spent years cultivating.  Should I have seen it before?   Should it have taken my wife filing for divorce to get me to see it?  Absolutely not.  It’s EMBARRASSING for me that it took this step.  She has repeatedly told me that she wants me to be able to be happy – whether that’s with or without her.  I appreciate that, but I KNOW I can’t be completely happy without her and my three kids as a part of my life every day.  I can certainly make some progress with appreciating things in my life, and I am working on that.  But it is really hard to do when I have a HUGE void in my life.  Again – she said a lot of things that I made me happy, and I spend all of that time with her overnight.  I guess the more time I see her, the more I want to see her.  It’s a catch-22, I know.  Tonight, our daughter has a therapy session that we are both going to.  So I will see her there, and I am probably going back to her place to see my daughter’s new turtles.  As usual, I’ll try to snake a few extra minutes in somehow…just an excuse to spend a little time together.  I’m always hopeful that we’ll have one more hug at the end.  Lately, I’ve been luck that we have.  I just have a huge fear that today is the day that she’ll wake up and regret that, or decide she doesn’t want to do it.  Urgh, today I feel like I mess.  I am at one of my jobs, but haven’t accomplished anything.  At this point I’d give anything to have a time machine – just to move forward to fall or Christmas.  Just to see where we are.  I have to admit, I took my life for granted.  In a big way.  I’m paying the price now.  I am very honestly working on my life in general.  I want to be a happier and more pleasant person.  It isn’t that I was mean to everyone, but I didn’t do my best to make everyone around me happier.  And that’s what I want.  I love seeing her smile, and I love being a person that people around me WANT to be with.  I can remember being that way when I was young, and I can feel like I’m getting back to that person now.  I like that about me, and I like that others are noticing changes in me for the better.  I just desperately want her to be a part of my life, and a part of me being a better husband, father, and person.  I told her that I’m afraid to do things that I want to do relating to her, for fear of making things harder on her.  She said that I should just do my thing – so that’s what I’m going to do.  I think I’m going to get her a card tonight and mail it.  Not an “I love you so much” card, even though I do.  More of an “I’m thinking about you, and just wanted you to know that you’re on my mind” card.  The way I’m looking at it, I have to win her back, and I’m not going to do that unless I start acting like I know a person in love will act.  I just hope that she’s receptive to it, and lets things develop.   Everyone has told me that I shouldn’t worry about the things I can’t control.  I know this, believe me, I do.  That is very easy to do with some things, but not with this.  My next appointment with Dr L. is tomorrow, and I think we’ll have plenty more to talk about…

I am not really sure how or why it has taken me this long to write.  But SO much has happened.  My last post was the day that my wife moved out.  A whole bunch as transpired since then.  About a week after that, my son had his surgery.  We knew that was coming, and I was nervous about having to spend a day or two with my wife.  Obviously I was worried for my son, and how he’d come through.  We have been through 7 or 8 of these in the past, and we sort of knew what to expect.  On that front, I am happy to report that things went extremely well.  He’s got his cast off, was put in a walking boot, and is on the road to recovery.  To make it even better, he graduated from high school last week 🙂  I’m very proud of him.  We haven’t always had the best relationship, and I take a lot of the responsibility for that.   We still don’t see eye to on a lot of things, but we are communicating.  And that is huge for me.  I’m worried about his future, and hopeful that he’ll make the right decisions.  But it is off to college in the fall for him!  I’m excited for him…  He’s a smart kid, I just want to see him put it all together and be as successful as I know he can be.

Something else odd happened while we were at the hospital for my son’s surgery.  My wife and I communicated.  A lot.  He ended up being there for an extra day, so we had two full days where we were side by side.  We unexpectedly had to spend a night in the hospital, which could have been awkward.  Instead, we ended up laying side by side on the cot.  I layed awake most of the night just staring at her – and she took my hand and slept with it.  I was equal parts excited, hurt, and confused.  As badly as I wanted to ask for an explanation, I didn’t at the time.  She just thanked me for being so supportive of her.  She said that she couldn’t remember any of his other procedures where she was grateful to have me there.  Over the next week, we talked a little bit each time we’d pass the kids about us.  She vented to me about things I’ve said and done to hurt her, which I needed to hear.  It hurt me, and still does.  But in a strange way it made me feel better to hear it.   I wish I could explain that, even to myself.  But I can’t…  She said she noticed changes in me, and said that I was more happy and relaxed.  I could feel it too, and I was/am excited about the prospects of a better me.  Each time we talked, she’d stay a little while and we’d just chat.  About 10 days ago, we had a support hearing with domestic relations.  They were going to issue the order for how much I have to pay.  Obviously I was not looking forward to it.  The day before the hearing we had taken my son for a surgical follow up, and agreed that I could just continue paying what I have been paying.  So that made the hearing go faster.  It absolutely sucked to see her sitting on the other side of the table with her lawyer.  I hate sitting on my side with my lawyer.  This isn’t us, it shouldn’t be us.  When we went to leave, the lawyers took us in different directions and we went our separate ways.  Since I had taken a few hours off of work, I was on my way there – but she texted me.  She ended up asking me to have lunch with her, because she wanted to see if I was ok – and see how I’ve been.  We talked for an hour, and hugged in the parking lot before I left.  We’d been hugging for a week or two when we’d leave after splitting the kids.  But this hug was different.   She told me that she’s seen such huge changes in me, and I’ve been like the “old” me.  She made sure I knew that even though this wasn’t a date, she was happy that I’ve made progress.  A week after that was my son’s graduation.  She asked that we ride up together, which surprised me, but I was happy to do it.  We had a great time.  On the way back, I bought us dinner to celebrate.  Then I had a set back.  She dropped me off at the house and left.  My son had just graduated from high school.  We had a spectacular time, then I was dropped off at my house (OUR house) and I was alone.  For the first time in a while, I lost it.  It was 11:30pm, and I couldn’t think or see straight.  My world was suddenly falling apart again.  This wasn’t how things were supposed to be.  We should have been a happy family that night.  Instead, I was crying alone in my house in the dark.  Ironically, she sent me a text message in the middle of that, so I called her.  Her text was a seemingly innocent joke about the number of facebook likes we’d gotten comparing our graduation pictures.  But seeing her name on my phone instantly made me dial her number.  We talked for an hour, and had a great conversation.  I apologized for being upset and calling her.  She tried to calm me down and apologized that she had “done this” to me.  At the end of the conversation, I felt a lot better, and I was grateful that she answered.  Luckily I had a therapy appointment the next day.  Dr L. was great as usual and helped me get through the day.  I even got to see my wife for a little when she dropped off the kids.

This leads up to yesterday.  My daughter had slept at a friend’s house the night before, so I stopped by my wife’s place to pick up my boys.  My one son was still asleep, and the other was not feeling well.  She said we could just share a cup of coffee and see if he felt better after a little bit.  We ended up talking all morning and all afternoon.  About anything and everything.  At one point we realized it was 4:30pm.  Then one of the boys asked when they could have dinner since it was 6pm.  Dinner took forever to get there, then the next thing we knew it was 10pm.  So I said I had to leave, and we hugged at the door. For a while.  She got emotional, so we sat down and talked for another two hours.  I went to leave, and we hugged again.   She told me that she didn’t want to me to leave, but she know what was right.  I ended up saying with her on the couch.  Nothing physical happened between us, but we laid on the couch all night just holding each other.  It was fantastic.  I was soooo happy just to hold her and look at her.  She was happy and smiling.  It felt so good just to feel her touch my arm.  When we got up this morning, I asked her if she regretted it, and she said no.  Which was a relief.  She told me that this doesn’t mean that she’s moving him – which I didn’t expect.  She still needs time to get past a lot of things.  She was also very concerned with making things harder for me by doing that.  I very much appreciate that she was concerned for me.  Since the last time we spent time together, I freaked out, she didn’t want me to do that again this time.  I tried to explain to her that it is harder for me to NOT see her and talk to her than the other way around.  Now – I am not going to lie.  My heart is heavy right now.  We spent all day together yesterday, and that’s all I can think about.  I have intense worry that she’ll regret doing that and it will set us back.  I worry that she’ll talk to her parents about it, and they’ll tell her it was a bad idea.  I just feel like we had SUCH a good day that I don’t want anything to take away from it.  So – of course I have the urge to call her and just make sure she’s okay with it.  I’ve only been gone from her place for 4 hours, and I can’t stop thinking about how good it felt to hug her.  One of her biggest concerns is that we’ve been down this road before.  We’ve had times were things got better and it lasted for a few months, and faded away.  She’s afraid that it will happen again and she doesn’t want to get hurt again.  I wish I knew the words to say to convince her that this is different.  Everything is different. I feel different, I see things differently.   My entire world is different.  Yes, it’s only been three months – but it’s been the LONGEST three months of my life.  Everything has been turned around two or three times over.  The medication and therapy has given me a new way to look at absolutely everything in my life.  By no means am I a finished product.  But I am closer now than yesterday.

She admitted to me that she would like to get back together someday in a perfect world.  She has to know that I am changed for good – not just for a little while again.  That makes me feel sooo much better.  Then I think about having to wait to be with her, and I get sick to my stomach.  That’s the part about this that I hate.  I am 100% sure that the changes in me are real.  They are chemical and physical.  I know that.  I just wish I could get her to see that too, and not have to wait.

Where to go from here?

I had a therapy appointment today, which was a good thing.  Of all days, today was the day I could use it.  Dr L. was great as usual – but today I couldn’t get any relief from the session.  She knew it, and warned me it would happen.  One of the things she gave me was a paper on relaxation strategies.  She told me that of all the people she knows right now, I could use it the most.  That made me feel both good, and bad.  Like – my therapist sees a lot of people, and *I* have the most to be stressed about right now.  Just kind of reinforces what I already knew, though.  We, we mostly I, talked for an hour…and I don’t remember much of it at all.  It went really fast today.  Normally I come out of there feeling positive and with a foot forward for the next week.  But today, I feel like I’m still stuck in neutral.  No forward momentum.  Not her fault, at all…

One thing I am going to do as soon as I am done with this post is write some letters.  I’m going to write one to my in-laws first.  We have never really had a great relationship.  They are nice enough people, and they love my kids.  But our personalities conflicted often.  My wife admits that they can be abrasive, but I don’t hold that against them.  I mean, geez, look at my dad (see older post for that crapshow).  But I do have some guilt over not trying hard to mend fences with them.  They wanted to like me, and they want their daughter to be happy.  I’ll also be writing a letter to my wife, and each one of my kids.  Each one will be a little different.  For my kids, I want them to know that I love them with all of my heart, and even though we won’t be in the same house, I’ll be thinking of them each and every day.  I want to reinforce that they didn’t do anything wrong, and maybe having it on paper is something they can look back on if they struggle.   The letter to my wife will be sort of redundant to what I told her last night and this morning.  But I want one more chance to apologize.  I know it won’t change anything right now, and may be not at all.  But I feel I need to do it.

While I was out for my appointment, I stopped and bought a card for the kids to give to my wife, and a few gifts for them to give her.  I am not sure what my role in this process will be anymore, but I want to make sure she is covered for Sunday.  That’s another reason, I have to hope that I can see them Saturday evening, even if it is just to drop of pizza or something for everyone.

Dr. L. said to try and fill my time with productive things.  The problem with that, is I have no idea what those things are.  I work SO much that all I ever did when I was not working was stay home with my wife and kids.  And I don’t have tons of free time anyway, so it isn’t like I could get into some huge projects or events.  I will do stuff around the house, obviously.  She kept telling me not to worry about anything beyond today, which I have been better about lately.  But the fear of the known is going to drive me crazy.  I looked at the calendar to see when I can see the kids, and seeing how cluttered it is makes things insane for me.  Seeing how much time is already taken up, sucks.  So I try to focus on today, and tomorrow.  But that leads me right back to finding something to look forward to.  And I struggle to see that.

My oldest son is having surgery next Thursday.  We’ve known about it for a little while, so it’s no shock.  He has brittle bone disease, and this will be approximately his 10th surgery, maybe?  Sad, but I can’t keep track.  They are rodding a bone in his lower leg.  We’ve been through similar procedures before, but not with this bone, so we don’t know what to expect.  When he comes home, he’ll be staying with her for several days, until he’s comfortable enough to move.  I understand that.  This is absolutely terrible to say, but I’m being honest.  I am NOT looking forward to him having surgery.  But, I will be there with them all day, and probably spending the night at the hospital.  So, I AM looking forward to that time.  Time with him, since we don’t talk much.  And time with her, since it’ll have been almost a week by that point.  We also take him to college at the end of August, which coincidentally is the day before what would be our 16th anniversary.  She mentioned to me last night that we could do that together.  So, in that respect, she’s not distancing herself from interacting with me.  But I still get the feeling that in her head, we are already just friends.  I’m trying to act the part, it just isn’t coming as easy to me…

Okay – off to write some letters.  Hopefully no one comes into my office while I’m writing them, tearfully.

Today is all becomes real.

I knew today was coming for about a month.  I tried to prepare for it, in every way possible.  I tried putting it aside and ignoring it, crying about it, being angry about it, embracing it…hoping that one of them would help me be ready.  But – it didn’t.  Today, my wife moves out.  For the last few weeks, the house has been cluttered with boxes as she packed her things.  Things that we’d purchased together, things that I purchased for her.  All of it went into boxes.  For the last few days leading up to this, I went kind of numb.  I stepped over boxes and bags, walked around piles of her/our things and went on with my day.  On my way home from work last night, I was actually anxious to get home.  I tried my best to look forward to spending time with everyone, but I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy it.  I wanted to eat dinner at the table as a family one more time, and it didn’t happen.  Everyone scattered like they always do.  I didn’t want to eat anyway.  Perhaps it is best that way.  Maybe once more would have been harder.  One more memory to have in my mind.  My wife and I talked a fair amount.  At first it was small talk, avoiding the elephant in the room.  But once the kids went to bed, I brought it up.  I apologized for my role in getting us here.  I wish I would have done more.  She again said that how I feel now is how she’s felt for years.  She tied her self worth to making me happy, and when she couldn’t do that it ruined her.  She needs to leave to figure out who she is.  She admitted to being a little excited about her fresh start.  A chance to be herself without fear of what I’ll think or say.  No more worrying about whether or not I’m happy.  I completely understand that there is a sense of relief for her.  It sucks.  I did really well for a few weeks with not harboring guilt and being pathetic.  That’s all out the window right now.  I will say that our conversation last night and this morning were good ones, or as good as they could be.  Neither of us were angry or confrontational.  This morning we talked one last time before I left for work, and we both cried.  I apologized again, and we actually hugged for a few minutes.   We both said we were sorry that we got here.  I told her that I was going to continue getting help for myself, because I know I need it.  And I do.  And I will keep doing my counseling and medication.  I have seen benefits in the last month or so, even though today you’d never know it.  I just asked her to keep an open mind to the fact that over time I hope to get better, and I hope to be an option when I do.  That’s all I can really ask her.  I know that her apartment lease is 8 months.  So, that means that by the first of the year I’ll know if we really have a shot to reconcile.  I am trying hard not to think of it as me getting better just for her, or our marriage.  I am honestly trying to do it for me, since I know that the chances are that once she leaves – it’s over.  But I was honest when I told her that part of me being happy includes her, and the kids for me.  I can’t imagine being truly happy and whole when I’m doing things on my own.  One of my fears is that once she’s on her own, she tastes “freedom”, and doesn’t look back.  I recognize that as a possibility.  I’ve been told that I could be the same way, and I know that could happen.  Right now, I don’t think so.  We’ve been together for 15 years.  I can’t just walk away and turn my back.  Obviously things were not good for while, and I don’t want to continue down that road.  If we are going to be together, I want it to be good – and be right.  I know I am hoping for a lot of things in this post – but again, I’m hoping I continue to make progress, and that she recognizes it and is open to “us”.  Each time I think that, a few minutes later, reality sets in.

Then there’s the kids.  Last night when they went to bed, it was incredibly hard.  I knew that was the last time that I’d see all of us in the same room.  I don’t have the best relationship with my oldest, which probably deserves its own post one day.  I’ve tried to talk to him several times since this all started, and he has nothing to say.  He says it’s ok with him, and he doesn’t have any feelings to share.  The other two have been open with me, and told me what their concerns are.  I appreciate that.  I talked to the two youngest kids last night, and it was incredible hard to hold it together.  Walking into their rooms and seeing boxes packed, and listening to everyone talk about “mommy’s house” in a casual tone ripped my heart out.  Even my wife was making jokes with them about what they were taking, and where it would fit.  I just sat there listening.  She’d try to include me in the conversation, but I just had nothing to add.  I felt so awkward and left out in my own house.  Everyone was packing for a new adventure, except me.  I was going to be there with the memories, good and bad, while everyone else started new.   Yes, the kids will be with me part of the time.   I have a huge fear that it will be a chore for them.  They’ll have new things with her, new memories.  When they come back with me, it’ll be back to the house where things went bad.  The site of fights and stress.  I’ll do my best to make sure that they enjoy their time with me, I really will.  But my time will be limited, and I know that even when they are with me, they’ll still want to see their friends and do their own thing.  As I sit here and look at the calendar, I won’t see them until next Wednesday.  I work one job during the day today, a previously scheduled class tonight, other job tomorrow, class all day Saturday, and then she’s taking them for mother’s day weekend.  Then I work one job Monday, the other job Tuesday, class Tuesday night, and other job Wednesday daytime.  I am going to ask her if I can just stop by for an hour on Saturday and see them.  Even if I bring over pizza.  She is not sure if they will be able to stay with her tonight or not, because she may not have their beds put together.  So, she may have to bring them back to the house tonight to sleep.  Unfortunately, I won’t be getting home until after 10:30 because of class – so I won’t really even see them.  If she does get their beds together, I’ll get home late tonight to an empty house for the first time.  I guess it is a good thing that it’ll be late, and there will be less time to fill.  Saturday and Sunday nights will be my first real challenges.  Full nights home in that house, without them.  Not even the dog.  Luckily, my mom is going to be staying with me Saturday night.  So, hopefully I’ll see the kids after class for a little, then have my mom meet me.  We are going to go do some shopping for things I need at the house.  Then on Mother’s day, my mom and I will be going to visit my siblings.  That will be nice, but I know I’l be distracted.  I imagine my first full night alone will be Sunday night.  I can’t expect my mom to stay with me all of the time.  I have to get up early for one of my jobs Monday morning anyway.  So – as much as I am looking forward to time with my mom and siblings, I am dreading Sunday night.  Urgh.  I keep looking at the calendar and seeing nights when I’m alone.  I just wish things were different.  If I’d tried a little harder, gone to the doctor a little sooner.  Just maybe.

As I sit at my desk, I’m back to where I was two months ago.  Looking at the clock and seeing that it’s only been 5 minutes since I last looked.  The day is crawling.  As I sit here, I know she’s finishing putting the dishes away.   By now, her parents may even be there helping to start moving boxes.  When I get home late tonight, I know everything won’t be gone yet, but there will be a good dent.  Tomorrow and Saturday while I’m away working, things will be disappearing a little at a time.  We haven’t told many people, at least I haven’t.  I wonder what the neighbors will think.  Will they even say anything to me?  Will she say anything to them?  We aren’t exactly close with them, but we know them.  They’ll know enough to see her van missing in a day or two.  I don’t want to have to explain or discuss anything.  But I know I’ll have to face it.  *I* don’t even want to acknowledge it.  So I’ll put it on auto-pilot for the next few weeks, and hope that each day will get better.  Since this started, I was down nearly 20 pounds.  I’ve put some back on, but not nearly all of it.  I imagine I’ll lose a few more over the next few weeks.  If there is one good thing about working two full-time jobs, it keeps me busy.  More so than I am going to want when it comes to the kids.

I have a therapy appointment this afternoon at 2pm.  That’s probably a good thing.  I need someone to talk to right now.  Just sitting here alone in my office, I feel like I’m drowning.  Oddly, I have nowhere else I could even go.  My home is being torn apart, and like I’ve tried to explain before, I don’t want to really wallow with my family.  I love them, but I don’t want someone to tell me it’ll be okay.  It won’t.  At least not for a long time.  I hate being sad and depressed, much like anyone would.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Maybe that’ll bring some relief.  In my typical fashion, I’m sure I’ll post several times today.  I apologize to anyone who reads this, I am not trying to be a downer, but this is my outlet.  Even in a small way, I feel better at least getting it out.